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* I just wanted to pop a little disclaimer before you start to have a lil read that I am going to be mentioning a lot of my OCD triggers, I know that in the past, I have found it difficult to read what others go through as it would sometimes mirror onto myself, so i just wanted to let you know to forewarn you just incase x *

**If you would prefer to watch a video version of this post with more in depth about my OCD journey, I have a whole playlist uploaded on my youtube of previous OCD videos I have filmed, this is the link... https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLQ8jW5x-QISE-nO2YXSW5sWg5X_I8FOli**

Chapter 4 

Near the beginning of our sessions, Jennifer gave me a sheet of paper. A sheet of paper with blocked columns that were titled...

Situation, Moods (Feelings/Emotions), Automatic Thoughts, Physical Sensations and Behaviour.

This was a record of my daily thoughts. If i had a situation where i felt my OCD was controlling me, I were to write it down (of course if i was comfortable to do so. I did at the start of my sessions worry what i wrote on paper, if i wrote anything bad, a word, a scenario, my intrusive thoughts would bombard my brain and tell me that, THAT now will actually happen now i have written it down. Upon dealing this with Jennifer, again realising there is no connection between ink being printed and something happening, I was able to then write things down without concern) I was to write down what the situation was, how i felt etc. Here's what I wrote as my first record...

Here's a more detailed thought record about 4-5 weeks into my sessions

At the start of my sessions, i would never never ever consider not de-furring the clothes before giving them away let alone putting a big chunk of my cat's fur into a bag of clothes that's going to be recycled!! That would have been my worst nightmare. My emotional rate would have been 100% plus a bajillion!!

But after just a few weeks of realising that the fur from my cat isn't connected to bad things happening, that the fur is not connected to my cat anymore, that she doesn't care about it, doesn't give it a second thought, made me realise why should I? Rather than concentrating on intrusive thoughts bombarding my brain that I'll be leaving a piece of my cat in a bad place, that something bad will happen to her, that a piece of her is left somewhere i don't want it to be, somewhere that makes me unhappy, I started to realise that even though a piece might be left somewhere with intension or not, it will make no connection whatsoever to my cat. It's a piece of fur. It doesn't hold power to make things happen. It's now an empty thing that has no connection whatsoever. I also realised that mine and my cats relationship didn't change. I would forget all about that fur once i'm home with her ( no doubt creating more fur from brushing her haha )

But just discussing and coming to a realistic, logical way of thinking, turned my 100% emotions down to a calmer 25%. Yes i was still concerned, but more of the fact it was so out of routine for me. I was so used to worrying and concerning about all of these things that, the main worry for me was not doing these things anymore, what would life now be like? It was so second nature to me that i could visualise what life would be like without these rituals and intrusive thoughts.

Knowing i have left a chunk of fluff in a bag, going to goodness knows where, encourages and reminds me that nothing has happened, nothing bad has happened, my cat loves me just the same, we still play with her toy mice and have a great time together. Remembering this, reminds me that I can now leave my cat's fur anywhere. It still should have the same effect just as it did with leaving it in the recycling bag.

Jennifer helped me lead myself up to this point.

I would have popped it all in one post but it was sooooooo word heavy & I thought uploading a chapter daily might be easier to read & digest. So I've added all chapters to my dropdown menu under lifestyle, where you can find all chapters inside <3 

Thank you so so much taking the time out of your day to read my post.

I have been wanting to write a post about my OCD for a very long time but if you know anything at all about OCD, you will know how much information you can hold. It's so tricky to put it all into words sometimes and me being me, i do love to jabber sometimes haha!

Thank you so much again for reading and i do hope that this somewhat helped you or someone who you know. Even if it just gives you a little bit of hope that there could be a nugget of a cure out there for you to help you get through your journey. 

Lots of love,

Emilie x

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